All posts by srvobser

by Carl “Bull” Crapper

Johnny Riverrat had a long week at work last week. After leaving work Friday afternoon, he headed down to the Strong River for some solitude, fishing, and drinking a cold beer or two (or four). Riverrat had done this many times before; it’s his way of decompressing from the stress of work. But, he never dreamt of what he’d discover last Friday.

Riverrat said, “I was sitting there on a 5 gallon bucket, and I’d only made 3-4 casts. I hadn’t even cracked open my first cold beer yet. I heard something moving on the bank opposite of me, but I didn’t see anything at first. I kept my eye over there, and then I saw it’s head sticking out the water. I said something that I can’t repeat. I knew that thing was huge, and I just kept watching it for a couple minutes. It slithered up on a log, and I about fell out. I just couldn’t believe my eyes.”

Riverrat called his uncle, Willie Strong, and his cousin, Billy Strong, about the snake, and he told them to meet him at the river asap and to bring a rifle. Willie and Billy arrived at the river about 10 minutes later, and the snake had not moved. Willie said, “My jaws just about hit the river bank when I saw that thing; I thought I was hallucinating. It took me a minute to get my bearings, but I zeroed in on him and took a shot. I got him right between the eyes, and the great thing is that he didn’t fall off the log. If he would’ve fell off, I don’t think I could’ve went in that water after him.”

It took all the 3 men to get the snake off the log and onto the river bank. They then carried it to the Strong’s side by side, and they drove it back to Willie Strong’s house. Riverrat said, “I told Willie and Billy that thing had to be an anaconda. There ain’t a snake around here that big. I got no idea how it got in the Strong River, but it’s probably an anaconda.”

Riverrat called a game warden, and after he arrived, he called a herpetologist, Eve Apple, with the US Fish & Wildlife Service. Apple examined the snake, and she also took a couple blood samples. Riverrat and the Strongs weighed and measured the snake as well. It measured 16′ 2″, and it weighed in at 188 lbs. Apple said, “I’ve seen some snakes similar to this one in the Everglades; I’ve gone python hunting down there a few times. But, I knew this one was not a python; it had different markings and looked different.”

Apple got the results of the blood work back yesterday, and she was shocked. She said, “I couldn’t believe it! This snake was a python/anaconda hybrid. This will give me nightmares, and how the heck did this snake get to MS in the Strong River? That is the million dollar question. I’m sure it has to do with climate change.”

Riverrat said, “This is crazy man. I never in a million years thought I’d find something like this in the little ole Strong River. Now, I wonder if it’s the only one. I’m scared to get in the river now. Also, I wonder if that thing ate my dog Skippy. Skippy just came up missing about 3 weeks ago, and no one has seen him. I wouldn’t be surprised if the pyconda got him.”

This is something that Riverrat and the Strongs will never forget, and the pyconda will live on in Valley lore for generations. Are there more? We shall see.

by Ben BeEssen

The news business can be a grind. Yours truly and the SRVO do our very best to report the news of The Valley. We try to be unbiased and shoot it to you straight. In a slow sleepy place like the Strong River Valley, we sometimes have to really work and get creative to generate a story. We do what we can with the limited resources we have.

However, the past couple weeks have been great for the SRVO. We unexpectedly received shout outs from President Trump and Joe Rogan. Videos of the endorsements are below. We are on cloud nine at the SRVO headquarters! Our hard work is finally paying off.

Who will be next? Elon Musk? Snoop Dog? Joe Biden?

Although we welcome endorsements from public figures and celebrities, our main focus is reporting the news of the Strong River Valley. We’ll continue to report the news, and if more endorsements come, so be it.

by I. B. Lyon

Turkey season is coming to a close soon. It has been a good season in The Valley. The turkey population seems to be healthy and doing well, and many Valleyans have harvested nice birds. However, turkey hunters trespassing onto landowner’s property continues to be an issue in The Valley and across the state. Many people have forgotten about the Turkey Trespassing Task Force (TTTF) that was formed last year until now.

I was able to catch up with the Director of the TTTF, Tirk Longbeard. He said, “We’d been getting reports from landowners in the Strong River Bend (SRB) area about turkey hunters trespassing on a few landowners’ property. Recently, a couple landowners told us that it was happening on a daily basis, and they were fed up with it. So, we decided to setup a sting operation to catch the perps.”

Longbeard and his crew setup multiple agents on two different properties. The agents camped overnight to be ready for the hunters the next morning. Both properties did indeed have trespassers. Longbeard said, “We let the hunters get deep into the woods past their entry point, because we didn’t want them to have an easy escape. We had agents at multiple suspected hunting spots to keep eyes on the hunters, and our strategy paid off.”

The first hunter was arrested as he was walking back out of the woods after an unsuccessful hunt. Two agents were waiting for him, and they arrested him without incident. The second hunter was arrested after killing a turkey. Longbeard said, “Our agents had actually lost eye contact with this hunter, but they were able to easily find him after he fired his gun to shoot a nice gobbler.”

I was able to get to talk with Tom Yelper, the hunter that was arrested after a successful hunt. Yelper said, “Yep, they got me. I’ve been going on that property for years without permission, and it finally caught up with me. It really sucks that they took my bird though. That was the best turkey I’ve ever killed. I didn’t even get a picture with him. I’m just glad I won’t have to spend time in jail.”

Both hunters will avoid jail time, but both will have to pay a $5,000 fine. And, their picture will be on a billboard to warn other hunters about trespassing. Longbeard said, “We haven’t made any waves this year until now. This sting will hopefully remind hunters that we’re still here and we mean business. It’s pretty simple. Don’t trespass, and you won’t have anything to worry about.”

by Heeza de Seaver

The Annual Valley City Easter Egg Hunt is a big draw each year. In addition to the egg hunt, they have a petting zoo, face painting, and more. It normally draws close to 100 kids from around The Valley, and this year was no different. They have 3 age divisions: 1-3, 4-7, and 8-10. Everyone was having a good time, and things were going well until the age 8-10 division kicked off.

Karen Moochar brought her 3 kids to the event, and her two sons participated in the 8-10 age division. Evidently, her sons took the hunt very seriously. One mom said, “Karen’s sons were super aggressive from the word go. Her oldest son knocked my little 8 year old girl down when they were both going for an egg. I didn’t say anything, but I can promise you I wanted to. It just kept getting worse, and I called my daughter over and we left. I didn’t want her getting hurt over a dumb Easter egg hunt.”

Another mom said, “You know Karen never pays for anything. I guess she didn’t want to have to buy her kids Easter candy. She must’ve told them that if they wanted candy it was up to them to get it. They were running around like feral kids getting as many eggs as possible, and they were being super rough. It was just too much. I’m glad my kids weren’t in that age division.”

Parents were tolerating the Moochar boys until they started stealing eggs that had already been collected by other kids. Jane Mamabehr watched the Moochar boys, and she lost it when the oldest stole a few of her daughter’s eggs. According to multiple witnesses, Mamabehr marched over and grabbed the oldest Moochar boy by the shirt, and she demanded that he give the eggs back to her daughter. One witness said, “Jane told the boy to give the eggs back, and he told her no. That didn’t sit too well with Jane. She’d had enough, and it was on like Donkey Kong!”

Moochar saw what happened, but she didn’t do anything about it. Mamabehr walked over to Moochar, and she demanded that her son give the eggs back to her daughter. Another witness said, “Things escalated pretty quickly. Within seconds, they were nose to nose, and they were yelling at each other. Jane then pushed Karen, and Karen pushed her back. Then, the fit hit the shan, and they were both rolling around on the ground. I loved every second of it to be honest. I hate I didn’t video it.”

The police were called, and the scuffle had stopped by the time they arrived. Both women were pointed out by witnesses, and the officer gathered the two ladies together. I was able to get a statement from the police department. A spokesperson said, “No charges were filed. It’s unfortunate two grown adults were involved in altercation like this at a community event. The two ladies involved reconciled their differences, and they hugged it out. They also apologized to each other and many of the people at the event.”

It’s always great when the community comes together for an event, but it’s unfortunate that only a couple people can ruin it for everyone. This Easter egg hunt will definitely be remembered. It was great that the ladies worked things out. The event organizers said security will be at the event each year going forward.

by Ben BeEssen

Municipal primary elections were held on April 1st. The elections in Valley County and Strong River Bend (SRB) were rather uneventful. The elections in SRB went as planned. All the incumbents won, and there was no drama. That has since changed. The Alderman at Large Democratic primary election is now being challenged.

Bennie Schiff has been the Alderman at Large for 3 terms now. His constituents love him, and he won his latest primary by a wide margin (98-3). However, his primary challenger, Hillary Harris, is challenging his election. Her claim is that Schiff doesn’t actually live in the SRB city limits the majority of the time.

Harris said, “We all know that Mr. Schiff’s house is right on the city limits line. This was hashed out when he was initially elected. However, I’ve discovered that he actually spends the majority of his time in his shop or “man cave” which is not inside the city limits. I have multiple female sources that have intimate knowledge of this, so I feel I have a legitimate basis to challenge this election.”

I was able to reach Schiff for comment. He said, “This is so ridiculous. Harris is just a sore loser. 98-3. Come on man! She looked at the scoreboard, and she couldn’t take it. Everyone tried to warn her that she didn’t have a chance. Yes, I spend a good bit of time in my man cave, but I sleep in my room in the house. Mrs. Schiff and I haven’t slept in the same room for years, because she can’t take my snoring. I don’t sleep in the man cave. This challenge is a bunch of bull, and it should be thrown out.”

The SRB City Council has called an emergency meeting this evening at 6:00 pm to settle the matter. The SRVO will be there, and we’ll let you know what happens. I was able to talk with some SRB residents about the challenge.

One resident said, “Hillary is just a sore loser, and she’s looking to get in on a technicality. I’d be interested to know who the 3 people are that voted for her. I bet she paid them off. This is just ridiculous, and it gives our wonderful little town a black eye.”

Another resident said, “Look, Bennie ain’t lilly white. He’s pretty crooked, but he’s helped me out a few times. This Harris lady is just crazy. Go home woman! You got destroyed. 98-3!”

The SRVO will keep you updated on this story, so stay tuned.

by Ima Phibber

We broke the story last week that a roundabout will be installed at the downtown Valley City 4-way stop. That set off a firestorm in Valley City. Many residents are in favor of the roundabout, and a lot of residents are not. But, the discussion about what will go at the center of the roundabout is the major item of contention.

So, the SRVO wants to get the opinion of Valley City and Valley residents. We’ve created a poll. We want you to vote! This will hopefully settle the debate and give the Valley City administration guidance as to what to install at the center of the roundabout. VOTE BELOW!

The poll will be up for a couple weeks, and we’ll publish the results.

by Ima Phibber

The downtown Valley City 4-way stop can get pretty busy in the mornings and afternoons. There have been a couple fender benders there in the past month, and Valley City residents have been calling for something to be done. After doing a brief traffic study and cost analysis, Valley City has decided to add a roundabout at the current 4-way stop.

Valley City Mayor Ronald Bush said, “We brought in the Strong River Valley Transit Authority (SRVTA) to advise us on this, and they were big proponents of a roundabout. The board and I were skeptical about it, but they reassured us that it was the best option. We only had two other options- a stop light or a police officer directing traffic. I think we’re going to have some difficulties convincing Valley City residents though. I’m planning to run for mayor again, and I really hope this roundabout doesn’t hurt my reelection chances.”

I was able to talk with some Valley City residents about the new roundabout, and I got mixed reviews about it. One resident said, “Look, something needs to be done for sure. I grit my teeth and pray every time I come to that 4-way. It’s every man for himself. Some people don’t stop at all; some stop, but they don’t obey basic 4-way stop etiquette. It’s a mess, but a roundabout? Really? We’re not freakin Europe. If these people can’t navigate a 4-way stop, there’s no hope for a roundabout. It’s gonna be a disaster!”

Another resident said, “I’m glad we’re installing a roundabout there. I grew up in England, and they are everywhere there. It allows the traffic to keep moving and flowing, and there will be less accidents. I know Valleyans will probably be skeptical, but trust an old Brit, it’ll be better and safer in the long run.”

We’ll see how Valley City residents adjust to the roundabout. Construction on the project will start next week, and it’s projected to take 2 weeks to complete. A police officer will be there in the mornings and afternoons to direct traffic during construction.

The roundabout is a controversial issue, but there is another issue brewing after completion of the roundabout. What is going to be put at the center of the roundabout? Many Valley City residents are calling for a statue, some want a fountain, and there are a couple other ideas also. The SRVO will keep you updated on the roundabout, and what gets installed in the center of it as well.

by I. B. Lyon

Ride hailing companies like Uber and Lyft have been popular in large cities across the US for a while now. They aren’t prevalent in small towns and rural areas because the demand just isn’t there, and most people drive their own cars. In the past few years because of the advent of driverless or autonomous vehicle technology, autonomous vehicle ride hailing apps like Waymo have grown in popularity. Elon Musk and Tesla are going to jump into the autonomous ride hailing or robo taxi game as well, so the use of these services is only going to grow in the coming years.

Valley entrepreneur and IT expert, Rob Ballmer, has been fascinated with driverless or autonomous vehicles for years now. Ballmer said, “In the past, I’d always use Uber when I went out to Silicon Valley, but now I use Waymo. It’s so cool to be sitting in the back seat of a driverless car. It’ll take you where you want to go safely, and I don’t have to worry about talking to the driver. Plus, I can be productive on my commutes. I just love it.”

Ballmer has been in talks with Waymo and another company for weeks about a partner or white label program to bring an autonomous ride hailing vehicle to The Valley. He finally worked out the details with Waymo for one of their cars, and the vehicle is going to start serving Valley City next week. The name of Ballmer’s company is Skoot, and he’s very excited about bringing this service to The Valley.

Ballmer said, “I’m starting with one car, but I plan to buy more in the coming months and years. Valleyans will probably be skeptical of Skoot to begin with, but I think they’ll love it in the long run. I think it could be great economically for senior citizens. Many seniors don’t do a lot of driving; many just go to church, the grocery store, the beauty shop, and maybe a couple other places. Cars are expensive, and the maintenance and insurance is expensive too. Plus, many senior citizens don’t need to be driving any way because of poor eyesight and slow reaction times. Skoot will be safer for the community, and it will help many seniors to save money. It’s a win-win for everyone.”

Ballmer is very excited to bring Skoot to Valley City, but the community has mixed feelings about it. One skeptic said, “This isn’t Los Angeles or New York City. I just don’t think people are going to go for it. People are going to freak out the first time they drive past a Skoot car with no one in the vehicle. I don’t think people are going to trust it. It’s a no for me bro.”

Another Valley City resident I talked with was excited about Skoot. She said, “I think this is going to be great for my mom. She drives around town some, but she really doesn’t need to be driving at all. I have to work, and I don’t have the time to drive her where she needs to go. Also, she lives on a fixed income. It would be great for her to sell her car; she’d be able to save a lot of money. There will a couple challenges though. I’ll have to convince her to get into a car with no driver, and I’ll have to teach her to use the Skoot app. But, I think she’ll do it.”

It will be interesting to see how Skoot does in Valley City. I’m sure many will try it out just for the novelty of it, but will it be viable long term. We shall see.

by Emma Embellischer

Strong River Bend Baptist Church (SRBBC) is the largest church in Strong River Bend (SRB). The church has been experiencing a lot of growth recently. The church’s congregation has been predominantly made up of senior citizens, but it has had an infusion of young families recently. That is exciting, but it has brought some challenges.

The younger generation likes praise and contemporary music, while the older generation likes older hymns. Also, many of the younger people don’t attend Sunday night and Wednesday night services, and the older members don’t like that. There are some other small issues that have caused riffs between the older and younger members as well. But, one thing has united the church recently. Both the younger families and older members have been complaining about the morning worship service lasting too long.

SRBBC’s pastor, Benny Dollar, has been preaching a series on Revelation. Dollar said, “Revelation and the End Times really fire me up, and I love to preach on it. I’ve probably been going past noon too much the past month or so. But, I can’t help it, and the congregation needs to hear it. I understand the congregation wants the clock, but I don’t know if it’s a good idea.”

I was able to catch up with the chairman of the deacons, Timothy Paul. Paul said, “I’ve been getting complaints from church members, young and old, the past 3-4 weeks about the service lasting too long. So, I brought it up in our deacon’s meeting this week, and after a discussion, we decided to add a countdown clock in the sanctuary. The pastor wasn’t crazy about it, but he went along with it. We voted to start the clock when Bro. Benny starts his sermon, and it’s supposed to go to all zeros at noon. We’re actually going to add two clocks. One will be by the baptistry so the congregation can see it, and the other one will be hung on the balcony so the pastor and choir can see it.”

Billy Buffet, an older member, said, “I’m glad the deacons voted to do this. I like Bro. Benny, but he keeps preaching past noon. People from every church in town keep beating us to the restaurants after church, so we have to wait to get tables. It’s just aggravating. I’ve thought about just getting up and leaving church early, but I won’t have to now.”

A younger dad said, “Bro. Benny does a great job preaching the word, but he’s been going a little long lately. We have to get little Carter to baseball games or baseball practice on Sunday afternoons, so I’m glad they’re adding the countdown clock. It’ll help us out a lot.”

It’s good to see that SRBBC is united on this issue, because there’s been some division lately. It will be interesting to see if other churches in The Valley will follow SRBBC’s lead.

by “Stretch” DeTrooth

Travel baseball is very popular in The Valley and in Mississippi right now. Most travel ball dads played baseball themselves, and they’ve passed their love of the game to their sons. Many baseball dads love to talk about their glory days on the diamond, but most didn’t get an opportunity to play after high school. Other than the occasional high school alumni game or college alumni game, grown men don’t get to play baseball unless they play pro or semi-pro ball. However, that is about to change.

Greg Holeyball has always loved baseball. He started playing at age 5, and he finished his career playing after two years at Valley Tech as a backup utility infielder and bullpen catcher. His son, Bryce, also loves the game, and he plays travel ball with the Renegades. Holeyball misses playing though, and he’s been itching to play recently. I was able to catch up with him a couple days ago.

Holeyball said, “I’ve been wanting to play some baseball the past couple years, but there’s nowhere for a 35 year old has-been like me to play. I played a little wiffle ball in high school and college, and I really liked it. So, I’ve gotten a few other travel ball dads together recently, and we’ve played some wiffle ball. We’ve had such a good time that I decided I was going to form a wiffle ball league.”

Holeyball has been working hard to get the league going. He’s been able to get enough interest from men in The Valley to form 6 teams. In addition, he’s been able to secure multiple sponsors including Burly Billy’s Beef Jerky, Pinnacle Sports Psychology, Strong River Bend Fitness, and more. The name of the league will be the Strong River Valley Wiffle Ball League (SRVWBL), and they will start playing games the first week of April.

Holeyball added, “I’ve been working on the field which will be on my property in Valley City, and it’s going to be nice. All league games will be played on my field. It’s going to be a mini Wrigley Field, and it’s going to be named The Friendly Confines. It’s going to be an all-turf field and there will even be ivy on the outfield fence like Wrigley, but it might take a while for the ivy to cover the entire fence.”

I was able to catch up with a couple people that are going to be involved in the SRVWBL, and I got their thoughts on the new league. One dad said, “Man, I’m so pumped about this! I haven’t played ball in 15 years, but I know I still got it. I would’ve played JUCO ball, but I got hurt. I already know I’m gonna lead the league in home runs. I’ve been telling my son about my glory days, but he’ll get to see Dad in action now.”

One wife said, “I’m not so sure this is going to be a good idea. I’m worried my husband is going to run his mouth and get into fights. Also, I really hope they don’t allow alcohol into The Friendly Confines. Can you imagine these old fat has-beens getting hammered and playing ball? Not good!”

The SRVO will keep you updated on the SRVWBL, and we’ll provide scores, stats, and more during the season. This is going to be fun!