by Emma Embellischer

The Valley Women’s Coalition (VWC) is a non-profit based in Valley City that has been fighting for women’s rights for 20 years. They’ve taken up many causes over those twenty years. Most of their organizing has been for left-leaning causes, so they’re not the most popular organization in the very conservative Strong River Valley. Their latest cause is not going to help their popularity either.

It’s Mardi Gras season right now in Louisiana and in many of the surrounding areas including The Valley, and one of the great things about Mardi Gras is the king cake. King cakes originated in France in the 12th century, and they became a thing in New Orleans and Mardi Gras in the late 1800s. There are many bakeries in New Orleans, all over Louisiana, and in south Mississippi that are known far and wide for their delicious king cakes. You see them everywhere this time of year, and they come in many different types and flavors.

The VWC has had enough of the king cake patriarchy, and they want to rename it to the queen cake. VWC President Suzie B. Anthony said, “We all know American society is dominated by males. The patriarchy and sexism is over-bearing, and the VWC is going to do something about it. Our vernacular is an easy and painless way to make strides. Most king cakes are made by women and their blood, sweat, and tears. It’s time we call them by their rightful name- queen cake. We know there are already queen cakes associated with Mardi Gras, but most people have never heard about them. It’s queen cake from now on. Urge everyone you see to call them queen cakes. It’ll take a while, but we hope to change the vernacular and rectify this issue.”

The VWC has organized a march in downtown Valley City this evening at 6:00 to promote their cause. The ladies will be dressed in purple, green, and pink. They will also be selling purple, green, and pink queen cakes to raise money for their cause. The traditional Mardi Gras colors of purple, green, and gold symbolize justice (purple), faith (green), and power (yellow). VWC is substituting pink for yellow, and the pink is supposed to symbolize female empowerment. Also, their queen cakes will have a small crown inside them instead of a baby.

I talked to some Valley City residents about the VWC’s latest crusade, and everyone I talked with is not on board. One lady said, “Those women are crazy! They’re all single or divorced liberals, and they’re angry all the time. Nobody is going to start calling king cakes queen cakes. It’s just retarded, and they’re wasting their breath and time. Losers!”

A male Valley City resident said, “This is so lame! These idiots obviously don’t know the history of the king cake. I hope you’re not going to cover their “march” tonight, because they’ll probably have about 9 crazy women there. Those women need to swallow their pride, get some joy in their lives, and try to find a man. They belong in the home- cooking and cleaning. This “cause” will go nowhere just like all their other ones. So sad.”

It seems like the VWC has an uphill battle with their queen cake crusade. We’ll see if queen cake takes hold, but I have my doubts. The SRVO will not be covering their march tonight, so follow the VWC’s Facebook page for any updates.

by Offe Hisczrocher

We all love to see economic growth in and around The Valley, but it comes with a price. A big issue with economic growth is more traffic. No one likes traffic, and people become impatient with it. If you’ve noticed lately, people seem to think stopping at traffic or stop lights is optional. That is unsafe, and Valley City has decided to do something about it.

Valley City Police Chief Andy Fife said, “We’ve written quite a few citations lately for people running red lights in Valley City. It’s helping stuff the city’s coffers, but it’s not safe. We’ve had one accident recently because of it, and plenty of close calls. I talked with the mayor about what we could do to stop it. Initially, I just thought we could do a Facebook post telling people that we’re gonna really start clamping down on it, so they better stop it. Then, I came up with the idea of putting large signs by the stop lights. We’re gonna give a try and see how it works.”

Chief Fife’s idea was to attach large signs under the traffic lights that read “RED MEANS STOP.” The city has ordered the signs, and they should be put up by the end of next week.

Mayor Ronald Bush said, “We only have 4 traffic lights in our great city, but this is a real problem. I’m hoping these new signs will help curb the issue. If this doesn’t work, we’ll look into installing cameras. I don’t want to do that, because I know that’ll cause a firestorm. Plus, that would probably hurt my reelection chances, but I have to lookout for the safety of our motorists.”

Valley City residents aren’t optimistic the new signs will make a difference. One person said, “These signs are a waste of money. They’re gonna make people want to run red lights even more. You know how people are these days. They’re just plain crazy! Unfortunately, I don’t think it’ll help.”

Another Valley City resident said, “Something needs to be done, but I’m not sure the signs will help. The other day, I had a green light to go straight, but the morons turning left in front of me got caught in the middle of the intersection. I couldn’t go even though I had a green light, and it turned red before I could go. I was so mad. I laid down on my horn and gave them the finger. That’s happened to me more than once. I just don’t think the signs will help.”

Time will tell if the new signs will curb motorists from running red lights in Valley City. Any bets on how long it will take before someone shoots one with a shotgun? I’ll set the over/under at 13 days.

by “Stretch” DeTrooth

U.S. soccer fans are excited about the 2026 Men’s World Cup. The U.S. National Team is guaranteed to qualify since we’re hosting, and they’re poised for another letdown in the group stage. The U.S., Canada, and Mexico are the host countries, and many of the games will be played in the U.S. The games will be played in large U.S. cities like Seattle, New York, Los Angeles, and Boston. However, FIFA has to choose a few alternate sites in case of a natural disaster, riots, or other unforeseen events.

FIFA announced on Monday that Jackson, MS and Veterans Memorial Stadium (The Vet) was chosen as an alternate site. FIFA spokesperson Jean Claude St. Pierre said, “We are pleased to announce Jackson, MS and their historic iconic stadium as alternate site. It’s hosted many incredible high school and college football games, many historic events such as the Billy Graham Crusade in 1975, and even ESPN’s College Gameday in 2022. World Cup soccer fixtures could be added to the list.”

It’s very unlikely any games will be played at Veterans Memorial Stadium, but the stadium’s crew will have to make preparations just in case they’re called on.

Mississippi Soccer Federation (MSF) President Pele Mbappe said, “MS soccer fans would love to host a World Cup game at The Vet. That would be epic. We gotta be ready. You never know when they may have an earthquake in Los Angeles or Seattle. We’re going to help the crew at The Vet prepare just in case.”

Mississippians are surprised by The Vet being chosen as an alternate site. One man said, “I’ve seen some awesome games at that place. I’ve seen Egg Bowls, Ross Barnett, Bear Bryant, Coach Prime and more. But, Veterans Memorial Stadium?! Really?! They better have a lot of security on stand by. And, who would be playing? Cape Verde and Belgium or Czechoslovakia and Paraguay? I know we wouldn’t get the U.S. team. FIFA obviously didn’t do their homework.”

Another person said, “I had to Google the World Cup because I didn’t know what it was. I thought it was some kind of car race. Why do they call their games fixtures? I guess it would be cool to host a game here. I doubt I would go because I really don’t know anything about soccer. I think it’s a Communist sport.”

Again, it’s highly unlikely we’ll host a World Cup match, but you never know.

by Ima Phibber

The Valley Cable Company (VCC) has been around for 42 years, but they have really struggled recently. Just about everyone has cut the cord and gone to streaming, and it has really hurt VCC. Even though it seems everyone is cutting the cord and streaming these day, it’s not without some issues. The main issues with streaming and cutting the cord are the cost and fragmentation. We were told it was going to be much cheaper and better. Now, it seems we all pay for 5 plus streaming platforms, and it has gotten expensive. And, we have difficulties being able to watch what we want to watch.

VCC CEO Larry Kabelgye said, “We were about to shut the doors of VCC for good. We’ve been struggling for a while now; we were down to just a couple hundred subscribers. Most of them are old folks that don’t know anything about streaming. We were running with a skeleton crew of only 3 loyal employees. But, these streaming companies got greedy. People are now spending much more on multiple streaming platforms than they were spending on cable 15 years ago. Family budgets are tight, and they’re looking to save money. We ran a last-ditch ad campaign to try to attract more subscribers, and it worked. It saved our company.”

VCC’s ad campaign is called “Reconnect the Cord.” They ran the ads on Facebook, Instagram, Roku TV, the radio, and the local newspaper. Kabelgye said, “Facebook messages and calls started coming in immediately after the ad campaign started. We knew that we were onto something. It’s like people had forgotten about cable, but I guess some young folks have never had cable. The price of $54.99 per month is the main draw; it’s not our lineup of 33 channels.”

The recent uptick in business has forced to VCC to have to hire three new technicians and one new office worker, and the company now has positive cash flow. It’s amazing to see a dead-in-the-water old company to have a resurgence like they have. They think they can continue this growth for months to come as streaming gets more costly and fragmented.

VCC only has one basic package for $54.99 per month, and it includes all the local channels and the major channels like ESPN, FoxNews, and more. The simplicity and low cost is a big draw.

One new customer said, “I didn’t know that I was paying for 9 streaming services, and I really only watch a couple- Netflix and Hulu. All these streaming services were costing me $155 per month. I’m gonna keep Netflix, but I’m gonna get rid of all the others. I’m gonna be able to save about $85 per month by going back to cable. Plus, I only watch FoxNews and ESPN anyway. I gotta watch my ball games, Laura, and Sean, so I really don’t need all the other channels.”

Kabelgye added, “This growth is crazy. I thought we were done; I thought you could stick a fork in us. I was looking into getting a job with Doordash or Wal-Mart, but now we’ve been able to increase my pay some with all the new business. We’re looking forward to the continued growth.”

This is a great turnaround story, but it unfortunately it ends on a sour note. Starting next month, VCC will be increasing their monthly rate to $59.99. Kabelgye said he hates to do it, but it needed to be done. He promised subscribers won’t see another increase in 2026.

by Emma Embellischer

Riverbend Roastery has been a fixture in Strong River Bend (SRB) for about 15 years now. They are busy every weekday morning as commuters stop and get their coffee drinks on their way to work. They’ve built a great reputation in the community, and their customers absolutely love them. Owner, Jo Lahtaye, does a lot for the community, and she is beloved by SRB’s residents.

However, she and her coffee shop have recently come under fire for their hiring practices. Lahtaye said, “I have a good bit of turnover, because I hire a lot of teenagers. Most of them can only work in the mornings or after school. I do have a few people in their 20s that work part-time, but I’m always having to hire new people. It’s not ideal, but it’s the way it is in this business.”

Recently, Lahtaye has gotten blasted on social media for her hiring practices. She had two applicants that did not get hired, and they did not take it well. They both took to social media and blasted Riverbend Roastery and Lahtaye. Most people came to the defense of Lahtaye and her shop, but some vowed to boycott Riverbend Roastery.

Lahtaye said, “Look, I have a written established policy about the appearance of my workers. You cannot have blue, green, or pink hair or excessive body piercings. I can tolerate purple hair, but you gotta watch the blue, green, and pink ones. I’m cool with tattoos; you can have as many as you want. Both of these ladies would not have been in compliance with my policy. One had blue hair and multiple lip piercings, and the other had green hair and excessive nose piercings. I told them both that if they made changes to comply with the policy, they would probably be hired. But, they had no interest in making changes, so they didn’t get hired. It’s pretty cut and dry.”

Lahtaye added, “I know that blue and green hair and piercings are a part of barista culture, but I’m not down with it. I’m gonna take the high road. They can blast us all they want, but we’re just wanna make good coffee and serve our customers.”

One person on Facebook posted, “This is grounds for a class action lawsuit. This is blatant discrimination and against blue and green haired persons. I will never step foot in Riverbend Roastery again. It’s time for a boycott!”

One Riverbend Roastery customer posted, “The blue hair brigade is out in full force over this crap. It’s so stupid. If you don’t like it, don’t dye your hair you morons. I think this is only going to help Jo and her business even more. I know I’m gonna stop by even more to support them. Jump in a lake blue hair brigade!”

Lahtaye told me that this has indeed helped her business. She added that she’s having a lot of new customers that have said they’re coming in to support her because she was blasted online. This proves that in many instances the vocal minority are indeed a minority.

by Ben BeEssen

Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you’ve noticed a trend among homeowners in and around The Valley recently. Everyone is painting their brick houses white. It’s a very popular trend right now. You’re seeing it with new brick homes, and you’re seeing it with older brick homes. It seems like everyone wants a white house.

Valley Grove was one of the first subdivisions in Valley County. It was built about 15 years ago, and it’s still a nice neighborhood. All the homes are brick, and every home in the neighborhood has been painted white except one. Gary Plaine has managed to stand out by doing nothing. Plaine has refused to paint his house.

Plaine said, “I know my house sticks out like a sore thumb, but I really don’t care. My red brick looks great; there’s no need to paint over it. Why spend thousands to paint over some pretty red brick? I don’t get it. I can hear my mom now. If everyone jumped off a bridge? Would you jump off too? Mom would be proud. I haven’t jumped.”

Plaine is not happy because he was recently fined by the Valley Grove HOA for not being compliant with their policy of uniformity. The HOA fined him $100 for his home not being “uniform.” Plaine said, “My house was uniform when it was built. I didn’t change anything. Everybody else changed and painted their stupid houses white. I’m not paying a dime to the HOA. I guess everyone should pitch in a few dollars to pay my fine, because they caused me to be fined.”

One Valley Grove resident said, “Gary is a good guy, but he’s always been a contrarian. I went to high school with him. Us guys grew our hair long, but Gary kept his short. We all started wearing long shorts, but Gary kept his short shorts. That’s just how he is.”

Another Valley Grove resident said, “Gary needs to paint his house. I’m not gonna say it’s an eyesore, but it sure stands out. He’s complained about how no one talks to him or invites him over anymore. Well, just paint your dang house Gary and maybe people will start being nice to you again.”

Plaine added, “One positive is that my house is easy to identify. I tell delivery drivers and others to just come to the only red brick house in the neighborhood. It’s easy to find.”

Trends come and go. Who knows? Plaine’s red brick may come back in vogue soon, and he could be hip and trendy. Maybe he’d paint his house white then. We’ll see.

by Ben BeEssen

The Strong River Valley Technology Institute (SRVTI) is back at again! Their first act was creating the Little Debbie Christmas Tree Cake Tracker site, and it’s helped a lot of people locate their favorite Christmas treats. Their second project should help a lot of deer hunting widows during hunting season.

Deer hunting is a way of life for many Valleyans. Many men spend their weekends at the deer camp during hunting season. So, many wives have a hard time getting projects done around the house during hunting season. It can be a big point of contention between many married couples. So, the SRVTI set out to help these deer hunting widows.

A SRVTI spokesperson said, “One of our members said his wife was not happy with him because he’s been deer hunting quite a bit. Well, there’s an issue that the SRVTI can solve. We set out to create a tool to help deer hunting widows. The site allows women to rent a husband by the day. It’s really just a site to find a handyman, and it’s a pretty neat tool.”

RENT A HUSBAND SITE

The site allows users to search for handymen based on their skills, cost, and more. It has a picture and quote for each handyman. It promises to be a very useful tool for deer hunting widows during hunting season. It also allows wives to list their husbands on the site to make extra money. Keep in mind, these handymen cannot be rented or hired by the night or by the hour if you know what I mean.

by I. B. Lyon

Christmas is going to be mild in The Valley this year. It’s going to be one of those crazy Christmases where we’ll be wearing shorts and running the a/c. We all know this will become more common because of climate change. A Valley Santa Claus has used this mild Christmas weather to make some extra money in a unique way.

Many people in The Valley are going to spend Christmas in and around their swimming pools. We rarely get weather this mild around Christmas, so many Valleyans are using it to to spend time outside with their families around the pool. Nick Jolly saw an opportunity with this crazy Christmas weather.

Jolly is a plumber by trade, but he’s always looking for a side hustle to make extra money. Jolly said, “I got 4 young kids and a wife that likes to spend money, so I’m always looking for a good side hustle. I knew the weather was going to be warm this year, and I saw people on Facebook talking about spending Christmas outside by their pools. A light bulb went on in my head. I can dress up like Santa and wear a Speedo, and I can charge a fee to show up at Christmas gatherings for pictures. I didn’t expect much, but I’ve got 12 bookings. I still have a few time slots open- $100 each for 15 minutes.”

Jolly has never dressed as Santa, but he’s embraced it. Jolly said, “I’ve been working on my Santa gut for about 20 years, and I started growing out my beard last year. I’m going to have to dye it, but that’s ok. I had to buy a Speedo. This ain’t Europe, so us dudes don’t normally wear Speedos around here. They’re calling me Speedo Santa, so I’m gonna roll with it!”

Jolly understands that this gig probably won’t be available each year. Jolly said, “It ain’t gonna be this warm every Christmas, so this gig won’t be an option each year. But, I’m gonna take advantage of while I can. Who knows? Maybe I can charge more if the weather is colder in the future. I’m not sure I can handle cold weather in a Speedo, but I guess I can bring my coveralls.”

I was able to speak to one of Jolly’s customers, and she’s excited. She said, “I’m so pumped that Speedo Santa is coming to see us. It’s gonna be a surprise; I’m the only one that knows he’s coming. I can’t wait to see everyone’s reaction when he takes off his suit. I’m even paying him an extra $50 to jump into the pool. We’re going to have some great memorable Christmas pics this year!”

by “Stretch” DeTrooth

Strong River Bend (SRB) High School loves its football and baseball programs. They have a history of good teams in both sports, and they’ve won multiple state championships in both sports. Many people in the community were surprised when they started boys’ and girls’ soccer programs a couple years ago. SRB is a rural town that has never had a youth soccer program, so most residents know very little about soccer.

The first couple years for the boys’ soccer team were pretty tough. They won only one game their first year, and they won three games last year. Their coach for the first two years moved onto another school, so they had to hire a new coach. They were able to get Valley County native, Woody Bryant, to coach the team on a volunteer basis. Coach Bryant coached high school football in central MS for years, and he won four state championships. He’s a legend in the The Valley. He was known for being a tough hard-nosed coach, and he’s tried to instill this into SRB’s soccer team.

Coach Bryant said, “I didn’t know anything about soccer, and I still don’t know a whole lot. I watched a few YouTube videos and read a few articles. I realized soccer is a pretty physical sport, so I knew I needed to recruit some football players to play. Luckily for me, the football team had a down year this year, so I was able to get the football players out pretty early for soccer. My mantra with the boys is to play physical and aggressive. I told them that we were going to play physical and aggressive, and we did that. But, we might’ve gone a little overboard.”

Coach Bryant’s team had only lost one game, and it was against a much larger school. They may have lost that game, but they won the fight. Multiple SRB players were ejected for fighting in that game. They knocked out at least two players on every team they played against. They knocked out six players against one team, and that team had to finish the game with only 8 players. The next team on their schedule refused to play them after this game. Word got around that you better figuratively buckle up your chin straps when you play SRB, and word also got around to the Valley County School District office and the MHSAA about their rough and reckless play.

After multiple coaches and parents complained to the school district office and MHSAA, both entities looked into the matter. After as short investigation, a decision was made to put the SRB boys’ soccer program on probation for the remainder of the season and cancel their remaining games.

SRB principal Dr. Richard Belding said, “Coach Bryant is a legend in the area, and we appreciate his willingness to coach the program. But, I think he forgot what sport he was coaching. We just couldn’t continue the way things were going, so we felt we had no choice but to cancel the remainder of the season. I hate it for our players, but we felt we had no choice.”

Coach Bryant laughed, “My soccer coaching career didn’t last very long, but it was fun while it lasted. Everybody is so soft these days. I probably couldn’t make it coaching football either today. Well, I guess I’ll get back to deer hunting. That’s one thing I didn’t like about this soccer; it interfered with my hunting. I don’t have to worry about that now.”

by Offe Hisczrocher

The Valley County Baptist Association (VCBA) hosts a Christmas open house each year. They use it as a way to bring awareness to their various mission projects, and they also use it as a fundraiser for less fortunate families for Christmas. Attendance has been dropping the past few years, so they decided to spice things up this year to hopefully bring in more Valleyans. They decided to do a Little Debbie Christmas tree cake eating contest with the pastors of the county this Tuesday night.

They did a good job of promoting the event and especially the Christmas tree cake eating contest. They ended up having a huge crowd. There were 7 pastors that competed in the contest, and each pastor had a contingent from his church there cheering him on. So, it was a fun and exciting atmosphere similar to a ball game. The VCBA building was jam packed, and many people had to stand to watch the contest.

VCBA Missions Director Chuck Spurgeon said, “This idea was raised by one of our pastors, and I thought he was crazy. A few other pastors thought it was a good idea, so I agreed to give it a try. We didn’t charge an admission fee, but we encouraged donations. I’m glad we did it, because we raised more money than any of our previous open houses. It was a big hit. I guess we’ll make it an annual event.”

The rules for the contest were simple- eat as many Christmas tree cakes as possible in 15 minutes. They could also use as much liquid as needed. There was a timer in front of the pastors, and there was a timer behind the pastors for the crowd to see. As a precaution, medical personnel were on site in case of a choking, blood sugar, or other medical emergency.

Most people in attendance thought Bro. Jim Swaggart from Riverbend Baptist Church would win the contest. He’s a big burly guy that is a few pounds overweight. He got off to a hot start, and he had downed 10 cakes before you could blink. He ended up hitting a wall around the 5 minute mark though. Bro. Bill Graham with 2nd Baptist Church of Valley City started out strong as well, and he had a big cheering section there cheering him on. Bro. Graham is a diabetic, and he could be seen messing with his insulin pump during the contest.

No one would’ve picked Bro. Stevie Fertick with Ascent Church to win the contest. He’s in shape and looks like a personal trainer or model. He has a fade haircut and a perfectly groomed beard, and he wears nice stylish clothes with sneakers. Bro. Fertick had the best strategy. He had a steady deliberate pace from the jump, and it paid off. He ended up winning the contest by eating 49 Christmas tree cakes in 15 minutes. Bro. Ricky Warren finished 2nd with 42, and Bro. Kenny Copeland finished 3rd with 41.

Missions Director Spurgeon said, “This ended up being a great event for us. We ended up raising over $5,000 to help with local families for Christmas. That’s the most we’ve ever raised by far, so we’ll definitely be doing the Christmas tree eating contest going forward. We plan to livestream it next year. Hopefully, the pastors will be doing a detox over the next few days. God is good!”