Egg Security Firm Changes Gears

by B. S. Ryter

I recently wrote a story about Eggcellent Security, a Valley egg security firm. With egg prices going down significantly recently, Eggcellent’s business has suffered a great deal. The firm had to lay off over 50% of their employees, and times have been tough for the firm. But, a new opportunity has risen for the firm, and they have taken advantage of it.

Bill Broody, the firm’s owner, has done a 180 with their business in the past couple months. Broody said, “Well, if I wanted my company to stay afloat, I had to make some changes. Luckily for us, crazy people started vandalizing Tesla cars. There’s always an opportunity for someone during difficult times, and we’ve switched gears literally to start serving Tesla car owners. This line of work could eventually slack off too, but we’ll take it while we got it.”

Broody saw Tesla owners asking for help to guard and protect their vehicles on social media. He offered his services in multiple Facebook groups and other forums, and Tesla owners gladly took him up on the offer. The local Tesla store also hired his firm to guard their vehicles at night. Broody said, “Elon is trying to help save our country with DOGE, and he is indirectly helping to save my company. We’re back on our feet, and I’ve been able to hire just about all my guys back. Thanks crazy far leftists and Elon!”

Broody’s has rebranded his firm from Eggcellent Security to Tesla Guard. Business has been really good since the shift. His firm collects a fee through an app for every vehicle they protect, and the fees can vary depending on the location. The business has totally shifted from rural areas to urban areas, and the client demographics have shifted dramatically too. Broody said, “Instead of my guys spending time on farms, they’re now spending time at Whole Foods, Costco, and Starbucks. Our clients now lean much more to the left politically, but that’s ok. We’ll take their money too.”

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A Tesla Guard client said, “My Tesla got keyed at a coffee shop, and I got it fixed. I was so worried about it happening again, but I don’t have to worry about it now. Tesla Guard has got me covered.”

A Tesla Guard employee said, “I felt much more at home working out in the country on farms, but that work dried up. So, we gotta go where the work is. I ain’t crazy about most of our new clients. I wouldn’t be caught dead in a Tesla; you couldn’t pay me to drive one. But, they are paying our bills now, so we gotta do what we gotta do.”

The crazies will probably back off once Elon gets back to work with Tesla and is in the spotlight less. So, Tesla Guard’s business will likely slow down in the coming months like it did when they were in the egg security business. But, you gotta get it while the getting is good.